3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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