i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm like, not good at living.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
