remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
