Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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