took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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