I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
