Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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