surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
