i think my tv is drunk
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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