You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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