My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
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I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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