Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
