when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish you could order shots online.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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