I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
