At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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