What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
