well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
