And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
