Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
