you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
