did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wish there were birth control emojis
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
