I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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