Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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