FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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