someone threw a dead crab at me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she smelled like a LAN party
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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