When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
