you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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