Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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