I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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