mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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