Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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