apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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