Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
