Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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