Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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