I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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