walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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