I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
