to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
