I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
and you fell through a lawn chair
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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