Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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