Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
