why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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