I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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