Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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