She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
