OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
