wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
