she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
