i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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