tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
