is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
