I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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