I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
