I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
