So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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