i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
