I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Drake has all the answers
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
