i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
